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i havent been able to post anything because ive been so busy with work but honestly i feel like im going downhill.  for awhile i was doing good with not eating but yesterday and today have been horrible... i need to get back on track i feel like shit my stomache feels like its bigger than ever.  Im going to start over on the 28 day plan because i havent posted for a week or more i dont even know how long its been...i feel so fucking discusting...i need to get back on track!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
aug 31st-sept 4th: fruit and veggie cleanse allowing 1 serving of soy products a day and 1 serving of whey protein powder
sept 6th -8th: fruit cleanse no soy bla bla bla JUST FRUIT (no bananas)
that should get me back on track for now and ill figure out what to do next after i have successfully completed that....fucking fat ass why does this always happen??? im doing so good for weeks and it completely fuck it up in no time....i cant not do this so my only option is to stick with this plan

Current Mood: depressed depressed

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i dont have much to say about today..or yesterday i just got home from work around 5ish so im trying to wind down and fall asleep...
food today:
bfast: eggwhites with soychz:95, melon and pear: 90 =185
lunch: corn and broccoli (60), soy chz (35), cucumber (5), hummus (40)  cottage chz (30)=170
dinner: 3 french fries (50), apple (60), soy chz (35), soy chicken finger (45) 190
Total: 565

yay i didnt eat alot but i def wasnt sticking to my diet plan...i shouldnt have had cottage chz or the three fries....but 565 not bad...ill do better tomorrow

on the up side i had a decent workout today and this guy came into work tonight that i used to really like...and i guess i still do..hehe we'll see....

nite nite

Current Mood: satisfied satisfied

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bfast: melon (50),pear (90),grapes(60) =200
snack: 1 spoonful fat free cottage cheese (30)
lunch: carrots (150), hummus (200) 350 fucking hummus what the fuck...no more of that

Total: 580

for dinner im having a salad and thats it...i already fucked up my diet today so i should eat nothing for the rest of the day...ill try ill try my fucking hardest...nothing tastes as good as thin feels

ps i found the most awesome low cal cranberry juice.  its by ocean spray 5 cals a serving and it tastes sooo good!! all u have to do is chug that with some water and youre full!

Current Mood: guilty guilty

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i havent gotten these kind of dreams for awhile...last night I dreamed alot about food..eating really really REALLY bad food like macaroni and cheese and brownies, food that i cant even remember the last time i had.  I used to have food nightmares.  I would dream I was eating something like that and wake up in a cold sweat.  This one was a little different.  I remember in my dream I was thinking how guilty I would feel and how horrible it was that I was eating that.  I felt full and fat and disgusting but I kept eating.  When I woke up I had the worse feeling...but then I realized that it was a dream and I wasnt full at all...Im actually really hungry which also sucks.  Why cant the hunger pains go away...dont get me wrong having my stomach empty feels great and I love it, but when it starts to hurt...i just cant stand it,  I end up drinking a shitload of water, eating tums, and whatever the hell else I can find with low cals and that will stop the pain. bllaaaa its gona be a long day
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god i just cannot get my schedule straight...i bartend a couple nights a week so on those nights i work until 4:30 am and fall asleep around 5:30 so sometimes on the nights that i dont work i just cannot fall asleep so im stuck awake with nothing to do and wanting to fall asleep but i cant!! ahh its so frusterating because then i get fucking hungry again and i end up going and eating when i should be fucking sleeping instead...what the fuck...i even took melatonin which are these sorta natural sleeping pills and obviously those arent working either!!! i guess i can go ahead and plan my food for the day yay haha

Breakfast:coffee (20), 1c strawberries (40), 1c melon (60), protein shake (90) = 210

lunch: 2 soy chicken fingers (95), 1c corn (100)  = 190

snack: 14 mini carrots (40)

dinner: spinach salad carrots, cucmbers, tomatoes, and mushrooms (150), spray dressing (15) = 165

snack: apple (70)

Total: 675

Current Mood: anxious anxious

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This is weird for me...writing a journal entry on my computer instead of writing in my journal...its like i have to be more organized instead of scribbling my thoughts everywhere...anyway....it feel like shit...complete shit...i ate...alot way too much and now im sitting in my room depressed and disgusted...all day i had eaten and apple, corn, and a couple soy chicken things so i was doing okay...then i fucking ate a huge thing a frozen yogurt...it was sugar free and fat free of course...but still i ate frozen yogurt for dinner..what the fuck...and now its like not eating much for the beginning of the day was completely wasted..and of course i did it on what was supposed to be my day off from the gym but now that i did that im going to have to stay up late exercing just so that i can go to bed feeling slightly better...what the fuck it wrong with me i dont know why i always fuck up like this....

Current Mood: nauseated nauseated

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